New NFL Rules: An Addendum by Roger Goodell (SATIRE)

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The National Football League recently instituted new rules covering many common aspects of gameplay today. While we agree that we made some tremendous progress, we overlooked some very key aspects of life inside the NFL we feel deserves equal attention. For this reason, we have created some new rules to cover some of the most pressing issues facing coaches, officials, players, and fans today.

RULE 1: Domestic Violence. We received a tremendous amount of criticism for our handling of players accused of domestic violence, and for that, I apologize. In order to address this issue head-on, we have barred ANY future interviews from mentioning domestic violence, its victims, or any aspect that may make players or the organization uncomfortable*. ANY reporters that ask players, referees, or anyone in the NFL questions about our mismanagement of domestic violence committed by our players will be banned for the entire season.

*”uncomfortable” is defined as discomfort arising from the display of photos/videos of the assault or its victim, also known as “the innocent.” Any discussion of statistics of said abuse involving NFL players is also forbidden.

RULE 2: Chronic Traumatic Encephalopathy (CTE). We will no longer be openly discussing CTE or any research/study/impact of it. This decision may seem controversial, but we have a vested interest in not mentioning the impact of our sport on those playing it. Additionally, all broadcasters have been sent a list of all the players’ names they cannot mention on air, due to their connection to CTE either as a statistic or plaintiff in pending litigation. These names include: Junior Seau, Jovan Belcher, Ray Easterling, Ollie Matson, Justin Strzelczyk, Andre Waters, Mike Webster, Ralph Wenzel, Ken Stabler, Tyler Sash, Adrian Robinson, Earl Morrall, Tom McHale, Frank Gifford, Cookie Gilchrist, John Grimsley, Chris Henry, Terry Long, John Mackey, Forrest Blue, Lew Carpenter, Lou Creekmur, Willie Daniel, Shane Dronett, or Dave Duerson. This is just the list of players who were diagnosed with it post-mortem. This list will be updated throughout the season.

RULE 3: Washington’s Name. I must admit that even I had apprehensions about this. On the surface, and below it, the name IS racist. I even voiced my concerns with the team’s leadership, but they disagreed. I reached out to Native American leadership and they agreed the term was racist. The only people who seemed to think it wasn’t were the Washington fans. In my soul-searching, I reached out to a leader I trust with all of my business decisions.

trumpgoodell

He advised me that the name in fact, was NOT racist, and that there was nothing to worry about. After receiving his wise council, we have decided that the name stays, and that is final. We will not re-examine this issue as long as I am commissioner of the NFL. You hear that? AS LONG AS I AM COMISSIONER, THE NAME WILL NOT CHANGE. Okay, just wanted to make sure that point was crystal clear. Same goes for all these rules. They stay as they are until someone else takes my spot.

Have a good day,

Roger Goodell

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Justin Hamby is a comedian and writer in Chicago. He regularly writes, directs, and performs sketch, plays, and improv throughout the city. He is the creator of Solid Callback Productions, and original member of Mass Street Productions; as well as an ensemble member of the Under the Gun and Public House theatres.
In addition to comedy and writing, he spends his time with his wife, April, who somehow puts up with his crap. Every article he writes is another knife in the back of his conservative upbringing, something he feels bad about, but still continues to do.

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