The Republican Alphabet

in Daily New Bite/Laugh Wing Nation/News/Politics by

Most people don’t know this, but in addition to a remedial civics class, Michelle Bachmann also taught a remedial English course. She started with the basics:

A is for Anti-Christ. See B & O.

B is for Barack – Isn’t that an “exotic” name for a President? George, Ronald and Sarah are far more American sounding.

C is for Christ, who informs all of my decisions, including the ones where I discriminate against the poor and sick. Just like He would!

D is for Death panels and they’re coming to unplug Grandma!

E is for Electoral Campaign Finance Reform. AHAHAHAHAAHH! Just kidding! The letter E is brought to you by, well, Citizens United says I don’t really have to tell you that anymore, do I?

F is for Fascism!!! BE READY TO VIOLENTLY FIGHT THE FASCIST LIBERAL GOVERNMENT AT ANY TIME!!! Nothing bad ever happens when you live your life by this doctrine. If it does, it’s an isolated incident (see I).

G is for God, Guns & Guts. Everything a population needs to run a country wisely.

H is for Healthcare reform. Get the guns! They’re coming to kill Grandma again!

I(1) is for Immigration. “Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free” and I will do everything in my power to disenfranchise and demonize them as a way to maintain the White (not white, White, how many times do I have to clarify that?) hegemony.

I(2) is for Isolated Incident. These unfortunate events that only appear to have been instigated by violent rhetoric are totally unrelated to any other letter in this list (See A,B,D,F,G,H,L,N,O,P,U,X).  Unless the offender is a liberal, then it’s MSNBC’s fault.

J is for Jesus. I can never have too much of him in my life and I want to make sure he’s part of YOURS too, whether you like it or not.

K is for Kansas and Kentucky where evolution is a four-letter word. No, seriously, our education system is so bad we can’t spell but wee no wi ain’t relaytuhd 2 no munkey!

L is for Liberal. Liberals hate you and everything about you. They’re plotting to take over the country by force. They also happen to be total wimps and weaklings who hate guns. How are wimps and weaklings without guns going to take over the country? Please see Q.


 RELATED: Republican Jesus™


M is for Marriage between a man and a woman ONLY. Even if it’s Brittany Spears’ 55 hour marriage, it’s still sacred, dammit!

N(1) is for Nazi. Nazis want to destroy America. Anyone who disagrees with you is one of these.

N(2) is for Nig…well I won’t say THAT word about those people or the liberal thought police will come for me but I think you know what I mean (wink wink).

O is for Obama. See N(1) and N(2).

P is for President 1.The highest office of the land. The most powerful man in the world (for now…Palin in 2016!), deserving of our respect and admiration and love and full support during a time of war 2. A secret Muslim foreigner terrorist sympathizer that is out to kill you and all you hold dear. It depends on who we are talking about. See O.

Q is for questions. Never ask any. Ever. About anything.

R is for Ronald Reagan. Ronnie represented a righteous religious revival and rapacious right-wing Republican revolution that ruined Russia. It doesn’t matter that, by the time he left office, he was unable to repeat or understand the previous sentence.

S(1) is for Sarah Palin. Sister Sarah symbolizes strength, serenity, sweetness and street smarts. She supports several serious stances on society’s struggles. Which ones? All potential interviewers please see Q.

S(2) is for Science, which is Satan’s tool. Again, please see Q.

T is for Tea Party. The Tea Party tactlessly trampled through a thicket of town halls by throwing tenacious televised tantrums about terrible tax increases that never happened. “Alliteration? That one of them fancy college words for taking away my Medicare?”

U is for Us vs. Them.

V is for Voting. Voting is a God given right that we would NEVER think of interfering with by forcing people to pay ofr ID they can’t afford, gerrymandering Congressional districts, underfunding voting machines in low income areas, mailing fliers to African Americans with false information, using robo-call centers to convince Hispanics to not vote in protest or anything else you can think of. If you do think of anything else, whatever you do, please don’t suggest it your local GOP campaign headquarters. (1-800-drty-trk)

W is for Wealth redistribution. What goes up must never come down. That would be class warfare!

X is for Xenophobia (courtesy of Chuck Hutchings). “HELLO? WHICH. WAY. TO. THE. BATHROOM? EL BANO? DO. YOU. SPEAK. AMERICAN? Good lord, I hate Canada!”

Y Is for Yesterday when things were so much better than they are today. Women and Negroes knew their place and pinko commie liberals were blacklisted. Don’t you wish we could go back to those good ol’ days? So do we and we’re trying as hard as we can!

Z is for Zero accountability (courtesy of Dave Mann). Words are completely powerless. If words had ANY kind of power at all, our Founding Fathers would have used them to declare our independence or elevated them to first among our rights. So stop blaming every death threat, attempted assassination, anti-government militia and shooting spree on us. It was an isolated incident. They all isolated incidents! See I(2)

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I’m a stay at home dad, father to a special needs son and a special daughter, a donor baby daddy, a militantly pragmatic liberal, the president of the PTA, a hardcore geek and nerd and I’m going to change the world. Or at least my corner of it.

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