The holidays are upon us. Thanksgiving, Christmas, Hannukah, Kwanzaa, and others I’m sure I’m unaware of will be here before we know it. Along with those celebrations come the relatives we can’t escape – the soul suckers. You know the ones: they used to be the well-meaning grandmothers who were so concerned about your marital status, and let you know at least five times that they’ve been praying for you. Or, it was the angry aunt who hates everyone and their lives outside their cat-free homes. While some of those stereotypes still linger, we now have to deal with the relatives who support Trump.
For real – it’s awful. Listening to the endless dribble of the average Trump supporter is worse than that screaming child in a movie theater. It’s worse than listening to Tomi Lahren rant about things she knows absolutely nothing about. Trump supporters are possibly even worse than Trump himself – at least Trump realizes what he’s in it for and that he’s an asshole. His supporters think he’s some sort of political messiah and they are related to YOU.
We have compiled some tips for navigating through the political waters of the family dinner table. Even if these aren’t practical, they are made with the best of intentions. We hope something on the list will help you survive the mind-numbing blather Uncle Bob will be spewing about emails, Sharia law, and elite pedophiles as he licks the errant gravy off his hand.
Sometimes, you just have to take that high road and act the part of an actual adult. It’s difficult. Maybe your Trump-supporting family member is as frustrated by an issue as you but has a different perspective. Active listening can lead to meaningful dialogue. Sometimes, it just takes some patience to reach common ground. However, a lot of these Trump supporters can do no actual listening. They scream “fake news” like their leader and go on talking about how Obama was a Muslim. In that instance, just nod your head and shove your face full of food.
Change the Subject
There are many things to shift the focus to during the holidays. You can talk about careers, vacations, homes, and any number of life’s little happenings. If that doesn’t work, start asking about recipes. Go on at length about how good the food is, mention “umami.” Wanna-be chefs love that stuff. And if that doesn’t work, mention anything: decor, the china, literally anything other than how Trump has done more in 10 months than Obama did in eight years. Whatever, old man.
Take Your Meds
This is not the time to forget to take any of your regular maintenance medications. If you have anxiety, take your anxiety medication – sometimes just the thought of interacting with Trump supporters is enough to bring on a panic attack – sometimes it’s more likely with family members. You love them and you’re brain can’t process familial love with intense feelings of hatred toward Donald Trump at the same time. It’s overload. Most definitely remember any blood pressure medications, anti-depressants, or antacids. You will surely regret it if you don’t.
Take a Walk
Tell your relatives that you need to move around to help your digestion. Tell them you’re focusing on a healthier lifestyle and you’re trying to get more physical activity in. Lie, just get out of there. The chances of saying something you will maybe regret for the next several years decrease greatly if you just leave and cool down for a bit.
Bring a favorite bottle of wine – or two or three. Find some new cocktail recipes to share with the cousins. If your family doesn’t drink, smuggle in a flask and spike the punch. You don’t like to drink? If you live in a state where recreational marijuana is legal, slip off to the shed in the backyard. A little impairment always helps good cheer. While this may not be the most mature way to handle these situations, it beats flinging steaming, mashed potatoes into your Aunt Edna’s stupid, Trump-loving face.
To help you along we have included a recipe for a holiday punch sure to make everyone happy.
Fizzy Cranberry-Orange Punch
1 bottle cranberry juice
1 c. orange juice
2 c. vodka
2 c. sprite
orange and lemon slices, for garnish
Combine cranberry juice, orange juice and vodka in a punch bowl, then top with Sprite.
Garnish with orange and lemon slices and serve chilled.
Happy holidays and good luck!